Common Myths about Sexuality and Disability
There are many common myths about sexuality and disability. Most start with the biggest myth of all, which is that people with disabilities are all the same, and that you can talk about them as one single group. This is completely false. People living with dis-abilities; they don’t all have the same experiences or the same perspectives.
However, their individual needs and challenges are not recognized by the normal world. This is particularly true in overcoming obstacles of full sexual expression.
Myth: People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not sexual:
Fact: All humans are sexual, regardless of how we express our sexuality. People with disabilities are denied sexual rights in part to keep them outside of mainstream society, and probably in part because people with disabilities are treated as if they are children, and children are also excluded from having any sexual rights. People living with disabilities are as sexual and express their sexuality in ways as diverse as everyone else, although we don’t get to see this as much because mainstream culture only shows us one image of sexual expression.
Myth: People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not desirable:
Fact: What turns us on sexually is unique to each individual. We are raised to think that sex is for the young and beautiful, that if you don’t resemble a twenty-three-year-old supermodel, no one will want you or if you can’t produce multiple G-spot orgasms on cue or perform like a stud, you’re not worth going to bed with. But none of us meet these standards, and desire is enflamed by an unpredictable mix of things (looks, personality, values, timing, etc). We only see the supermodel scenario so over time we come to believe it, and question whether anyone would ever find us attractive or worth loving.
Myth: There is a right way and a wrong way to have sex:
Fact: We are raised being told many lies about sex and this is the biggest one. The truth is there are no rules as to what sex is (although I’d like to suggest the fact that it be between consenting adults is a good simple one). Sex doesn’t have to look like, sound like, or smell like anything other than that which is turning the people on who are involved. Some people say sex should be spontaneous, and that can be hard if you have a disability. But the fact is that we all plan for sex more or less.
Myth: People with disabilities and chronic conditions can’t have “real” sex:
Fact:It follows that if there’s a right way to have sex, and you can’t have it, then you can’t have real sex. It’s true that not all of us can run down the beach, roll in the sand with music swelling in the background, and have a sexual romp without ever mussing our hair. It’s also true that not all of us want to do that. Most of us have awkward uncomfortable sex, most of us masturbate much more than we have sex with other people, and most of us don’t talk about it. So we pretend that there’s a “real” kind of sex, and if you don’t look the part, you can’t play the game. This is simply false.
Myth: People with disabilities are a bad choice for romantic partners:
Fact: Relationships are hard and full of compromise, and a good relationship involves equal compromise and work from the people in it. People who partner with people with disabilities are often told how “noble” they are, as if being non-disabled makes you a great catch, and having a disability makes you nothing but a liability. The fact is that living with a disability doesn’t mean you can contribute less to a relationship. You may do less of the heavy lifting, but how important is that in a relationship? Also, if you live long enough, you will eventually be in a relationship with someone with a disability.
Myth: Disabled people have more important things than sex to worry about:
Fact:We all value sex differently, and for some people it’s the most important thing in their life. If you live with a disability or chronic illness you will likely have people around you telling you that you’ve got more important things to deal with that sex is a luxury you can’t afford. This is ties in with the myth that people with disabilities are childlike and need to be told how to prioritize their lives. This attitude is held by many non-disabled people, and even some disabled activists claim that talking about interpersonal issues and disability is bad because it “fragments the cause.”
Myth: People with disabilities are not sexually adventurous:
Fact: Living with a disability does not necessarily impact your sexual tastes or choices (even though it can impact who you get to have sex with). It is assumed that people with disabilities are sexually passive and non-initiators. People don’t believe that someone who uses a wheelchair might want to be tied up and spanked, or that a man with no legs gets off dressing up as a ballerina. These are false assumptions, but they fit in with the general myth that all anyone wants is to be just like everyone else, so if you’re different already, surely you must want to be sexually conservative, right? Wrong!
Myth: People in institutions shouldn’t have sex:
Fact: One of the greatest barriers to developing a positive sexuality is a lack of privacy. This is nowhere more evident than in institutions like rehab hospitals, hospices, group homes, and nursing homes. Most institutions systematically deny residents the right to be sexual. No locks on doors, no privacy, the right of staff to treat people as objects to be carted around, talked about and controlled, are just a few of the ways that institutions make it clear that sexuality is not acceptable. Sexual rights are human rights, and people living in institutions have the right to be sexual on their own terms.
Myth: Sex is private
Fact: If you use attendant services, live in an institution, or aren’t able to monitor your own body responses, privacy is a very different thing. We’re told that sex is a private thing, but one of the most common sexual fantasies is about having sex in a public place. Having privacy can make having sex easier, but if we aren’t able to lock our doors or we have to request private time, we still have the right to be sexual, and to expect those around us to facilitate that by giving us as much privacy as we ask for.
Myth: People with disabilities don’t get sexually assaulted.
Fact: If you aren’t seen as sexually desirable in our culture, you won’t get sexually assaulted, right? Wrong. People with physical disabilities are far more likely to be victims of sexual assault, statistics suggest between 2 to 10 times more likely. This abuse ranges from pervasive power abuses by medical and rehabilitation staff to rape and other forms of sexual assault, forced confinement, physical abuse, and more. Supports for disclosure of the abuse, legal action, and counseling are scarce for people with disabilities. This is especially true in institutions.
Myth: People with disabilities don’t need sex education.
Fact: We’re all sexual, and we all need education. Sexual ignorance is an enormous obstacle for all of us when trying to figure ourselves out sexually. Our situation is made worse when we are systematically denied access to the little bit of sex education most people get. Some people say that the reason non-disabled people deny people with disabilities access to sex education is because they believe that it will encourage them to want sex, and that will open up a can of worms.
Source: Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C., & Odette, F. (2007). The ultimate guide to sex and disability: For all of us who live with disabilities, chronic pain and illness. San Francisco: Cleis Press.
“Sex Comfort for Chronic Pain Sufferers, MS, Fibromyalgia and other Physical Disability”
Well-being therapy is based in large part on six tenets: mastery of the environment, personal growth, and purpose in life, autonomy, self-acceptance and positive relationships.
In this particular section, I want to focus on the practical side of ‘mastery of the environment’ and that is physical comfort during sexual intimacy, plus actually having an opportunity to experiment with new positions which do not cause a great deal of strain to maintain a low level of physical exertion.Some people, such as those suffering from Fibromyalgia, or MS, have regular chronic pain, body stiffness and fatigue, or have painful joints and experience pain all the time. You need to find a way to reduce the pain in order to enjoy sex more, and use sex positions where you are not putting strain on the painful parts of your body.
With physical disabilities, such as from limb amputation or hip replacements, there often is not much strength or mobility to get into any enjoyable sexual positions, so, alleviating pain or pressure point is of utmost importance. Being disabled doesn’t mean you can’t have a good sex life, but you may need to make a few adjustments to make things as pleasurable as possible.
The Liberator© range with their various firm and supportive cushion shapes, which can be securely assembled like personal Lego© blocks, is a real milestone solution to offer comfort, and help expand options for kissing, cuddling and lovemaking.
Take the Wedge©, for example, which permits the sufferer to lie comfortably on their back with a lifted bottom and allows their partner free movement on their knees. Thus despite, for example, back injury, knee pain, and arthritis flares it is possible to have delightful encounters with significantly reduced aches or pains.
Resources: Gay and Disabled
Fries, Kenny. Body, Remember: A Memoir, University of Wisconsin Press, 2003. Fries’ reflections on growing up Jewish, gay and disabled.
Bob Guter and John R. Killacky Eds. Queer Crips: Disabled Gay Men and Their Stories. Harrington Park Press, 2004. Queer Crips features more than 30 first-hand accounts illuminating the everyday struggles disabled gay men face in a culture obsessed with conformist good looks. Includes rejection, love, sex, dating rituals, gay crip married life, and the profound difference between growing up queer and disabled, and suffering a life-altering injury or illness in adulthood.
Schwartz, Martin. “Gay Men and the Health Care System.” The Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services. The Haworth Press, 1996.
On Being Brown, Chronically Ill, An Activist & Surviving:
Chronic illness changes your life. In many ways it takes what you used to have and devours it. It is easy to have it consume everything you once knew, including your passion if you are not careful enough. You are thrown to rebuild a new life and at the same time being a person of color navigating the medical world can be devastating.
Who I am has changed but the core of my being hasn’t. I am still an activist, I am still a writer, queer, brown & beautiful.
Don’t get me wrong. I struggle. A lot.
But over time, (A LOT of time) I have had to learn and truly re-learn extremely important realities; to cement them in to my being in the hardest of times. If you are one amongst the many who have a disability, you may find these truths that I use as mantras, useful:
- I am good enough. My existence and being is good enough. Regardless of what expectations others have of me, they are not me. They are not in my physical body.
- What I contribute is good & a true contribution. Even when I feel it isn’t as good as what someone who can put in physically active hours, what I do makes an impact.
- I know myself best. Navigating the medical world is complex and often times downright discouraging. Even if a doctor looks at you with transparent judgement, there are countless other doctors.
- I am not alone. There are others with similar disabilities. In fact, there are so many people like me that there are communities.
- Self care is not self indulgence or laziness. It is literally a matter of prioritizing my health & life. Remember, you hurt yourself by pushing past what you are physically capable of. And this is very, very real. A reality that others may not be able to see in front of them but you understand daily because it is your existence.
- Pace yourself. Pace what you do even when you feel like you are being slow and you are being judged. Someone’s judgement of you is not worth being sick in bed for days if not weeks because you pushed yourself that hard.
- Friends are understanding and supportive. If someone is not understanding and supportive of your illness/when you are ill, they are not a friend.
I hope this helps anyone who comes across it that needs it.
Much love,
N.H.
<3
NH
You’re a bloody inspiration.
“Disability is a Feminist Issue”
FWD/Forward is all about the intersection between feminism and disability issues, so it’s worth talking about why I think (know) disability is a feminist issue. I’ll note that this post is not intended to be a comprehensive review, nor is it intended to be the final word on the matter. It’s just a brief primer. Also, fair warning, I’m a bit jived on asthma medication right now, so this post is a bit slangier and more sarcastic than my usual oeuvre.
The short version of the reason that disability is a feminist issue is that some people with disabilities are women. I know, shocking! But I’m here to tell you that it’s true. And I don’t speak from purely anecdotal evidence. According to the Centers for Disease Control*, approximately one in five American women is living with a disability. So, people, science says that some people with disabilities are also women.
So, if you identify as a feminist, presumably you are doing so because you care about women and issues which affect women. If an issue affects one in five women, it’s probably something which you should care about.
But, there’s more!
Did you know that women with disabilities are up to twice as likely to be victims of sexual assault and violence? Those certainly seem like feminist issues to me, so it seems worth examining why one in five women is at a higher risk of experiencing violence.
Did you know that people with disabilities are also twice as likely to experience poverty and unemployment? Poverty and unemployment are also considered feminist issues by many feminists, in no small part because they tend to disproportionately affect women. So, if you have conditions which already disproportionately affect women involving some women more than others, again, it seems worth exploring the causality behind that.
Did you know that the wage gap is also more severe for people with disabilities? The wage gap is often identified as a key feminist issue; it’s the thing that a lot of non-feminists think about when they hear the word “feminism.” Again, if you have a problem which is recognized as an issue which affects women and you find out that women women experience that problem at an even higher rate than ordinary women, isn’t that a feminist issue?
This is called intersectionality, people. It’s the idea that overlapping and interconnecting systems of oppression are involved pretty much anywhere you feel like looking. Now, every single feminist in the entire world does not need to address every single overlapping system of oppression which touches women. But every single feminist in the entire world does have an obligation to make sure that deliberate harm is not inflicted by ignoring intersectionality. That means that if the focus of your feminism is, say, sex positivity, you need to think about sex positivity beyond pretty white straight cis people without disabilities. Because, if you don’t, there’s a chance that you, yes, you, are hurting people with your feminism. And not just people in general, but other women!
And, I would like to point out that this is an argument so simple that even my father, who is the most un-hip person you can imagine, who scratches his head when he hears the words “intersectional feminism,” gets it. So if my dad can get it, you can get it, seeing as you are presumably interested in feminism and disability issues, since you’re reading this site, which means you’re already ahead of my father.
by s.e. smith
http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/10/14/disability-is-a-feminist-issue/
The trailer for the documentary “Scarlet Road” about a sex worker who focuses on men who are mentally/physically/developmentally disabled. As a guardian/student teacher of people with disabilities, this brings tears to my eyes. I wish that my 20 year-old kid (actually sister, but I largely raised her) had this opportunity to experience sex in a safe and comfortable environment like the men in this vid. So many people think that mentally and physically disabled people don’t experience any sexual desire (even involved parents who are otherwise educated about said conditions). I try and combat this stereotype whenever I encounter it (resulting in lots of awkward impassioned speeches). This DOESN’T MEAN REPRODUCTION. I don’t want my sister to reproduce, as she neither likes children nor is capable of caring for them (plus odds are any offspring would have major developmental problems). I still want her to happily experience this major facet of the human experience though. (Plus I’d like to limit the number of times I walk in on her masturbating as it is mortifying). Individuals with disabilities fantasize about the same things the rest of us do, and shouldn’t have to live without the sex they desire simply because of the way they were born. I know of at least one disabled man who has a relationship with a female sex worker and he is one of the happiest disabled adults I know (which is at least 40 individuals). We all deserve to have that chance. Sorry for the meandering ruminations, but this is a subject I have felt passionate about for many years/I have had a few cocktails. If this raises problems for you, please respond, as I would love to have an honest, polite, conversation (made possible by the superficial anonymity of the internet) about this subject.
Recently watched this and it is fantastic, thought-provoking, and educational all rolled into one. I highly recommend anyone interested in sex positivism, sex work activism and/or disability watch for themselves.
THIS IS AMAZING
Cop Arrests Disabled Woman for Sitting
” A disabled Atlanta woman says she was sitting outside and waiting for the ice cream man when a cop showed up and ordered her to move. When she refused—because she wasn’t in anyone’s way, or doing anything wrong—the cop allegedly threw her to the ground. Then he bought her a medium-sized cone.
Wait no, sorry: the officer—one Kenneth Thomas—did not buy his charge, 40-year-old Shequita Walker, any ice cream cones or other novelties, but instead arrested her for disorderly conduct. Apparently she was acting in a “disorderly” manner by being a disabled woman who was asserting her right to sit in a metal chair, in a vacant lot, with three other people while waiting for a frozen dessert. Her attitude, if gone unchecked, could have inspired other emboldened disabled ice cream lovers in Atlanta to stick it to The Man and, who knows, led to a riot or something.
Thomas…grabbed Walker’s wrist and twisted her arm, causing her to fall to the concrete, unable to get up on her own, Walker said…An ambulance was called to transport Walker to Grady Memorial Hospital, where she received treatment for a shoulder injury sustained when she hit the ground, Grossman said.
After her release from the hospital, Walker got to spend the night in jail—pretty much for no reason, because the charge against her was dropped. Oh, and because she didn’t do anything illegal.
She was doing nothing illegal by sitting outside waiting for the ice cream man. They dropped all charges yet, the police officers are getting off scotch free?!
Damn this.
Damn.
This.
I’m getting scared for what this really all means. They don’t give a fuck about anyone and they want to run things how they see fit. Free of consequence. And I don’t know how we stop that.
